Blog Post #34 - Revised Introduction

For this blog I will be attempting to rewrite my introduction from Project Draft 2.

S Suzuki. "DRAGONS Do Over WIP1". 5/23/2009. via Flickr
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I'm supposed to write about how I believe the revised introduction is more successful than the original. Honestly, I'm not sure that it is. What it is though, is more aerodynamic and lends to further body paragraphs within my analysis. I was able to remove a lot of data that I can now put into another  body paragraph devoted to the author and how she builds credibility with the reader.

ORIGINAL INTRODUCTION
     The article “Horse Racing: How Much Whipping Is Too Much?” written by Pia Catton was published in the Wall Street Journal. The article, written to coincide with the most watched horse race series in America, the run for the Triple Crown, was published on May 25, 2015. The text is a commentary on the current issue of whipping in horse racing and follows on the heels of American Pharoah winning both the Kentucky Derby and Belmont Stakes but under very different uses of the crop by the jockey. Though not directly in the horse racing industry, Pia Catton writes about the subject as a secondary assignment to her normal performing arts pieces. Her lack of expertise is of no consequence as she has interviewed some of the most notable figures in the sport and analyzed every aspect of the issue giving detailed information to the reader. Through expert knowledge and cited opinion, she has built a credibility with the reader and flawlessly walks a tight-rope of staying unbiased. The subject matter requires little help from the author to incite an emotional response from the reader due to the cultural bias towards humane treatment and animal cruelty. The author builds a strong, credible case for reform without having to wave a banner for a cause or rally any support. Her masterful use of keywords and choice of interviewees completely removes any doubt one may have towards her level of expertise in the area of horse racing and the reader is swept along through the article. By the conclusion, the reader is very well informed and puts down the text feeling as though they are now knowledgeable on the subject.

REVISED INTRODUCTION
“The topic of whipping is a recurring problem of perception for horse racing.” (Catton 2016). Pia Catton clearly brings the issue of whipping into focus with her article “Horse Racing: How Much Whipping Is Too Much?” published in the Wall Street Journal May 25th of 2015. Through the use of expert knowledge and cited opinion, she builds credibility with the audience. She also stays unbiased throughout, facilitating her acceptance by readers on both sides of the issue. Her rhetorical strategy of appealing to logic and credibility and not emotions only endears her to the reader more. Pia builds a strong, credible case for reform without ever asking the audience to choose a side. By the conclusion, the reader is well informed, knowledgeable and able to decide for themselves how they feel about the issue.